Leviticus: god’s Bumper Book of Jokes

This is hilarious. I have to share it.

We all know that Leviticus is the chapter in the bible used to justify gay-hating by the church. Here’s a few other things that Leviticus also says good christians should do, courtesy of Peter Bowditch:

“As examples, in Leviticus 20:13, God gets a bit more specific about what should happen to homosexuals when He says: “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them”; in 20:9 there is an instruction that children who curse their parents must be killed (in Deuteronomy 21:18-21, God goes a bit further and orders the death penalty for children who are just disobedient); in 11:6 we are told not to eat hares because they “cheweth the cud” (??); in 11:10 we are prohibited from eating oysters, prawns, lobsters and calamari; in 11:19 we are told not to eat bats (because they are birds!); in 15:19 we are instructed to quarantine menstruating women; in 19:19 we are told not to wear polyester and cotton blend shirts; in 19:27 men are instructed not to trim their beards; in 19:28 tattoos are prohibited; in 24:16 there are explicit instructions to kill blasphemers (including the method of killing); in 25:45-46 we can find the instructions on how to get and keep slaves; and let’s not forget that women are only worth half as much as men (27:3-7). If you don’t obey all these laws to the letter God will have some of your children eaten by your enemies (26:16), some eaten by wild animals (26:22), and you will have to eat the rest yourself (26:29). It’s just as well that God only meant the parts about homosexuals being bad and was joking about the rest, isn’t it?”

Leviticus is also the source of the Jehova’s Witnesses’ belief that you should not accept blood transfusions because it is an abomination to eat blood (17:10-14). Yes, somehow they make the leap that eating blood=blood transfusions (because of course that’s what god must have meant all along). Genius.

Oh, and let’s not forget that you can’t eat four-legged insects (11:22-23). If you can find them, you can’t eat them. Good luck.

For more insanity, check out the Skeptic’s Annotated Bible.

2 Responses to “Leviticus: god’s Bumper Book of Jokes”

  1. I have here in my very hands a (dead) four legged fly.

    I also have two fly legs (unattached).

    Damn…

    I’m hungry.

  2. from the jewish perspective…

    absolutely everything pointed out in the above “leviticus jokes” is true, just not translated quite correctly. the original hebrew is where it’s at, and the jews follow it 100%.

    the religious jews, that is. because of my tattoo, i have “defaced” my body and can no longer be buried in a jewish cemetary.

    it is strictly forbidden not to shave one’s beard, but the “corners of the face” – this is the reason religious jews have those funny-looking ponytails hanging down in front of their ears. that’s an exaggeration, it’s only forbidden to SHAVE those bits.

    the laws of “kashrut” forbid eating any land animal that does not have cloven hooves AND chews the cud. hares included because they don’t have BOTH these things. (acutally, there’s a good reason for this one – animals with both those features die faster => less pain due to jugular configuration)

    and any sea animal without fins and scales is verboten. and any undomesticated flying thing (such as a bat) is off the list.

    the point i’m making is that the transrations are problematic. see engrish.com for more. if world christianity really took the bible seriously in its entirety, we’d all be jewish, and suffering along with those pokey hairdo’s.
    w-v: Xanadu Quotes Knobby Door Syndrome

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