Access All Areas

So I’m watching Access, which is the cable channel where every madman with a handicam can – and does – have their own show. The show I’m watching is the Robyn Byrd show, and it is so horrible that I have to share it with you.

Basically, this woman (who i’m still not entirely certain isn’t a man in a bad wig and too much makeup) hosts a show where she gets a bunch of stippers to, well, strip on her show. it’s full frontal, and in the last half an hour i think i’ve compiled a list of all the biggest turnoffs possible from someone whose job it is to pretty much do the exact opposite. Chief among them would be:

  • fresh surgical scars
  • inverted nipples
  • flopping (for the men)
  • female strippers who you would swear were men in drag, except, well, you’ve seen them naked. And even then, that doesn’t rule out transsexual
  • female strippers who look like they might be in their 50s
  • male strippers coyly facing their backs to you and lowering their jocks to expose their toit buttocks…. and the jocks are stuck up their crack
  • lying on your back, putting your ankles behind your head, and then flopping around like some retarded breakdancer. not sexy. spastic.
  • and the number one worst – lumpy boobs. OMG, i cannot express how bad they are. 60GGG (she stated in the interview later) and you can see the wrinkles in the implants!!! I cannot express how disgusting this boob job was. You could actually see there were at least two separate implants in each breast, and the dividing lines between. And her boobs were a slight grey compared to the rest of her. i’m sure septicemia can only be a jiggle away.

Seriously, go to the website, go in and look at the pictures of Ms Robyn Byrd. Someone fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. And she seems to be something of a cable tv madam, having at least 5 different phone sex lines i could see from the adverts liberally interspersing the show. yech.

I am increasingly looking forward to coming home and getting back to my real job. Playing sales manager for two weeks is becoming tiring, especially the fact that i end up dealing with irate customers who i really couldn’t give two shits about but who i have to be polite to. naturally, i have to take all the responsibility of being a manager without any of the actual power. i have to sit by and watch what is basically an organizational trainwreck, and it’s really not my place to say anything about it. and oh my god some of the tellers are slow. watching them trying to get through one sale is like watching teeth being pulled by a caveman using a mallet. seriously, there is at least one that i am sure is retarded, or at least educationally subnormal. it’s not just the computer, it’s everything she does. she’s just terminally slow. i talk, and she nods, and says ‘oh yeah’, but i look into her eyes and there’s nobody home.

She reminds me a bit of my sister, to be honest.

Oh, and everyone thinks that using a radio means throwing around terms like ‘copy’ and ’10-4′ and ‘what’s your 20’, but half of them haven’t caught on to the need to depress the button completely before you start speaking. So most of the time what we hear is ‘gghghghggh come back’ or ‘ghghg hghgg ghghg do you copy?’ No, i do not fucking copy, you monkey.

sigh. got tomorrow off. good thing. i might take someone’s head off otherwise. i’m gonna try going down. down to chinatown.

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