Food critic turned novelist (or is that ‘cum’ novelist?) Giles Coren has claimed the coveted Literary Review Bad Sex award, for painfully unskilled passages in published text, describing the sexual act. Here’s the passage that helped him ‘beat off stiff competition’ (according to at least one article):
And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he’d ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.
It’s the ‘Like Zorro’ that cracks me up every time. Read the rest of the long list here.