Midweek Cuckoo: Playing with Jesus

The whole idea of merchandising religion just seems somehow… wrong. But the Catholic Family Catalog doesn’t seem to think so. They’re making cash for jesus. And while selling holy shortwave radios and statues with Real Bleeding Action™ seems like a great idea, it’s the toys that are the best.

You can have your very own Jesus action figure. And if he’s lonely, get Samson, David and Goliath to keep him company in their biblically accurate costumes. Also note the true-to-life scale difference between David and Goliath. Accuracy is the name of the game here.

And if playing with their saviour isn’t enough, let your children clothe themselves in the armour of the lord, including play safe plastic sword of the spirit, helmet of salvation, shield of faith, breastplate of righteousness, belt of truth, gospel of peace shin guards, and shoelaces of falling over in the dirt. No schoolyard smiting is complete without this set.

But they have some competition as far as jesus toys go. This one has Real Gliding Action (thanks to wheels in the base) and posable arms (for reaching up to heaven of course). This one comes with five loaves and two fish, and a jar ready to turn water into wine. He also features glow in the dark Miracle Hands! I hear he’s a great hit at kids parties. There’s also a Moses action figure, complete with tablets for delivering testaments and staff for delivering plagues. Just don’t let your kids take it anywhere near the pool, there’s no telling what could happen.

But this is the Chuck Norris of Jesus Action figures. He comes complete with Ninja-Messiah throwing nails, pump action over-under shotgun, and his own cross. This Jesus is not messing around.

What next? New Deluxe Jesus Action Figure, with Walk On Water™ Action! Comes complete with cross and three nails, and our patented EZRemoval® nail remover so you can crucify the Saviour over and over again! Small parts, not suitable for children under 3!

Malibu Jesus. Disco Party Jesus. Jesus PlayHouse. There is so much potential here.

Seriously, though, i wonder what the blasphemy ramifications are of your little sister stealing Jesus to join Barbie and My Little Pony for a tea party. Would Jesus want to be seen at the same tea party as a slut like Barbie? What if little sis decides Jesus’ dress is a little boring and he would look better in Sindi’s miniskirt? What if Jesus gets left in the garden and chewed on by the dog? Does the company selling these make you sign an indemnity form against divine retribution for abuse of Jesus?

It’s all fun and games until you walk into your son’s room to find David and Goliath have been left on the desk in a naked embrace, their enmity forgotten in a whirl of passion. Now there’s learning while you play.

One Response to “Midweek Cuckoo: Playing with Jesus”

  1. Lookout Popeman, vampires. I’ll just use my jesus discs.

    Now with walk on water action, pity the link is broken.

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