Night at the Oscars

I’m watching the oscars as i type this. I watch it every year. What can i say, i’m a big fangirl when it comes to movies. This time i thought i’d try blogging as i watch. Because the difference this year is i’m sitting on the couch typing on my shiny new laptop. Operative words there are ‘my’ and ‘laptop’.

Damn, Howl’s Moving Castle should have won best animated film. Miyazaki is a genius. I just watched Spirited Away yesterday, and i will be watching Howl’s Moving Castle as soon as i can get my grubby little paws on it. I loved the book by Diana Wynne Jones, i love Miyazaki’s other films, so there is no doubt it will be great. Stupid academy. Not that Wallace and Gromit are not very cool, you understand.

I have noticed something about the technical oscars: they are always presented by a smoking hot actress. I think the logic behind it is this: the nerds are not cool enough to invite to the real oscars, so as a consolation prize we’ll let them kiss a hot actress on the cheek. That’s it. That’s as close as we’ll let them to the real stars, and even then there should be a big black guy with an earpiece and a gun in the wings, just waiting for one of those creepy nerd-boys to try get a little more than a peck on the cheek. God damn nerds.

Rachel Weisz just won best supporting actress. Do you think it’s becoming a new good luck charm, to be pregnant when nominated? Catherine Zeta Jones. Marcia Gay Harding. I’m telling you, pregnant is the new black. I predict the next big thing will be actually conceiving at the oscars. Or giving birth while accepting one.

“Pimp: sort of like an agent, with a better hat.” Damn, John Stewart is funny.

Holy crap! Something is trying to eat Charlize Theron! Get it off! GET IT OFF!!! …oh, wait. That’s her dress. Never mind.

Wow, i think that’s the third official plug i’ve heard for going to the cinema. They’re putting watching a movie on DVD at the same level as pirating and downloading movies off the intertron. Hollywood must really be feeling the box office slump, they’re not even being subtle about it. Why bother with all the ‘you can’t enjoy these movies to their full extent anywhere but the big screen’ rubbish? Why don’t they just come right out and say, ‘ZOMG we are losing monies! We cannot afford our Dolce and Gabana quadruple ply toiletpaper or our Gucci tampons! Go to the cinemas and pay for our ridiculously overpriced tickets so we can make millions and millions of CASH!’

What the hell is the honorary oscar for? It’s like they decided that there had to be an oscar for people who’d been nominated for at least five oscars in their career but never won a single one, and who aren’t talented enough to get the lifetime achievement consolation prize. It’s the Losers’ Oscar. It’s the oscar that says, ‘You aren’t good enough for an oscar, but we’re going to give you this one so you stop bitching about not having one yet.’ It’s the oscar that says, ‘Hopefully you will now decide you have reached the pinnacle of your career and stop trying. Please. No, seriously. Stop.’

How did they give an oscar to ‘It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp?’ How? It’s not the title that bothers me. It’s not the fact that it’s hip hop that bothers me. It’s the fact that it’s bad hip hop! Bad! It’s like giving an oscar for Best Picture to a sex video starring 50 Cent and filmed in his basement. By his mom.

Tsotsi won Best Foreign Film. Nice. As a South African, the only thing i can say is that it was a directorial miss not to pick Charlize Theron out from the audience while they were waiting for Gavid Hood to get to the stage. What are those people up in the director’s box doing? Maybe it’s a testament to how well Charlize is doing at acting American, that Hollywood appears to have completely forgotten she’s a South African.

Dion Beebe just won Best Cinematography for Memoirs of a Geisha. Another South African. w00t. Pity Charlize didn’t pick up best actress, would have made a nice hat trick.

And in a surprise finale, Brokeback Mountain did not in fact win Best Picture. I guess gay cowboys were still not arty enough for the oscars. I bet Ang Lee is kicking himself for snipping the scene where they eat pudding. Oh well, he can save it for the DVD extras.

Oops, i forgot! DVD bad! Go watch cinema. Give monies!

And that’s it. Good Night.

One Response to “Night at the Oscars”

  1. Enjoyed your commentary on the Oscars! I was also amused at the constant reminder to go watch movies at the theatres.

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