My Kingdom for 2% Milk

Coffee in the states is an interesting thing. For a start, when they say ‘cream’ they’re not kidding, the stuff they put in coffee is the thickness of what we would consider pouring cream. There’s something called ‘Half and Half’ which seems to be half cream and half cream, so i don’t see how that helps. And then there’s low fat, which is what we would call full cream milk. Skim milk is something you put in your corn flakes, not in your coffee.

Then there’s the sweeteners. I don’t use sugar, because with the amount of coffee I drink it’s dangerous to use actual sugar. In south africa, the options are candarel, candarel, and candarel. Here, you have Sweet ‘n Low, Equal, and Splenda at least. I have tried all three and the only one that doesn’t taste like someone dumped a chemistry set in your cup is Splenda. Then again, their tagline is ‘made from sugar so it tastes like sugar’ so i guess that’s working out for them.

Then there’s the little plastic stirrers. They’re straws. Little, skinny straws. Are they trying to save on the plastic by making them hollow? Are you meant to save them to drink your coffee through? I really don’t know. What ever happened to plastic spoons, or little wooden swizzle sticks?

And then there’s coffee creamer, which can be either the plastic milk variety, or the UHT preserved-to-within-an-inch-of-being-mummified variety. They are both disgusting, and they’re both all that’s on offer at the office. Oh woe is me, I miss the coffee at my real job, even if you do have to sniff the milk to check it’s not cheese.

As a consequence, I’ve stopped drinking coffee except for a cup in the morning that I grab at the hotel. Those who know me and my coffee habits may be shocked, but rest assured, I’m making up for it with mountain dew.

5 Responses to “My Kingdom for 2% Milk”

  1. That last sentence frightens me moonflake. Thing is, the one thing that I couldn’t adapt to in the states was their soft drinks. I remember my first can of mountain dew, bought it at a greyhound station in vegas. The way I understand it is that we south africans actually dilute the syrup they use when mass transporting soft drinks. Americans just didn’t read that instructions. Mountain Dew, Coke et al was ruined for me for quite a while

  2. Ah! What I would not give for a can of real Mountain Dew right now!

  3. mountain dew kicks coke’s ass – twice the caffeine, twice the sugar, it’s the fuel of the geek nation.

  4. Jolt > all =P At least on the caffeine and sugar fronts. Never had a can, so I dunno what it tastes like.

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