Midweek Cuckoo: Hiroyuki Nishigaki

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s late again, if my bosses weren’t bribing me with this thing they call a ‘salary’, i’d be a lot more upset.

hiroyuki.jpgToday’s midweek cuckoo is the author of the most incongruously title book I’ve ever seen. How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? is written by Hiroyuki Nishigaki, and is a fine example of Engrish at its sphincter-puckering best. Some examples:

I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out.

In addition, he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the dirty stickiness of his body, release his immaterial fiber or third attention which has been confined to his stickiness. Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration.

If you don’t know concentration which gives you peculiar pleasure, your life looks like a hell.

Here’s another one:

Besides shooting out a big blank from your buttock, you can feel as if your root chakra leaked sweet hot mucus.

Just one more:

it can give a good gun or good pliers to man or woman. So, it can sharply decrease the rate of divorce in America

There’s plenty more, plus reviews, on the author’s site. It seems that he is advocating some sort of butt-clenching yoga, a zen art of bowel control. Naturally there’s no medical support for his theories, but it must work really well, because i’ve only read a few excerpts from the book and already i’m feeling quite cheerful.

Go on, admit it, at some point while reading this you clenched your butt.


13 Responses to “Midweek Cuckoo: Hiroyuki Nishigaki”

  1. Now I know why I feel so old – I’ve been clenching my jaw in meetings. Silly me. I’ve got it all face about arse.

  2. Is it just me, or is the look on Mr Nishigaki’s face a lot more disturbing after you have finished reading this entry?

  3. kyknoord: now you can fool your colleagues into thinking that your furrowed brow means you are concentrating on what they are saying, but instead you are concentrating on puckering your root chakra. Happy days!

    Salman: he’s 63, and looks “20, 10 or 25” years younger! He has been practising for 20 years! Believe yet? Why not buy book and share in fun times and sweet hot mucus!

  4. *unclenches butt*

    my life does look really like hell. it must works!

  5. Lol. The Engrish had me laughing so loudly I think my spleen moved. I did not clench my butt, but my navel may have dented a few hundred times from all the laughing.
    (PS: You can find me here. I doubt my stalker reads your blog.)

  6. Is this for real??? This is the first time I’ve been here, what an introduction 😀
    “Shoot blank from buttock?” Sounds like a euphamism for talking through one’s *ss.

  7. man that is some funny stuff 🙂
    you gotta love the japanese.
    those wacky funsters are always providing humour.

  8. Chitty: ha! yet another convert to the wordpress way. Welcome, friend.

    Terri: all midweek cuckoos are 100% real and not made up at all, which is more than can be said for some of their theories. Welcome, and I hope to see you here again 😉

  9. I think that book holds a unique paradoxical point in the cosmos where it is simultaneously the worst book ever written and the best book ever written.

  10. oh just reading that filled me with great joy and my cheeks both anal and facial both sparkled in wondrous non depressed sight of such wisdom. fortunately no hot sticky mucus was expelled in the process..
    seriously i have read that it is a taoist practice for female’s to clench and declench the vaginal walls in order to have better sex etc etc- but i didn’t know nothing about the anal sphincter ?!
    hm, i am imagining that anyone who can avoid mucus dribbling through having a well practiced sphincter would be happier than someone who didn’t tho…
    ponder ponder!

  11. i would definitely consider the possibility that if you had mucus dribbling in the first place, anything that would stop that would be an improvement in your sex life.

  12. From Freud to Eric Berne, the significance of the sphinters in the human personality, is documented. Nishigaki’s work is part of this scholarship, whether or not he realizes it. The concept of the sphincters, in fact, is part of our common understanding of our personalities: ever known a tight-assed guy? More truth than poetry here. All I need is a little encouragement, and I’ll share more of how an understanding of how you constrict or not constrict your anus, when or how often, can help your interpersonal relationships and improve your general mental health.

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