How to Piss Off a Scientologist

Ever get stuck at a party talking to a scientologist? Ever wonder how to get rid of them? This post was a comment I left on another blog, but I thought it belonged up here too.

1) tell them you think Xenu is just misunderstood
2) tell them you’re a psychologist
3) ask them about the office space they keep open in all the scientology buildings awaiting L. Ron Hubbard’s imminent return.
4) ask them if they’d be willing to rent it out in the meantime
5) ask them why they call non-scientologists ‘wogs’, and whether or not they think that’s inappropriate in the new South Africa
6) mention that you’ve always been quite interested in volcanoes. Don’t say why.
7) ask them how they feel about the whole North Korea/ Iran nuclear weapons issue, and if they think the leaders of those countries are just tools of Xenu trying to destroy more Thetans
8 ) tell them you’ve been declared ‘fair game’, and ask what they’re going to do about it.
9) ask them to demonstrate an ‘assist’
10) stamp on their toe and swear at the same time. Congratulations, you have just engrammed a scientologist. If they complain, tell them to go get audited.

I’m open to more suggestions.

12 Responses to “How to Piss Off a Scientologist”

  1. ROTFL @ “Stamp on their toe and swear at the same time.”

    Brilliant post, Moonflake.

  2. Tell them they’re clinically insane and would they just piss off and leave you alone.

  3. Why does Scientology exist. Although funny at times, it is really quite sad.

    Good post, keep them coming.

  4. Salman: chitty is my inspiration

    Mr Angry: even better, tell them they’re clinically insane but you can recommend a good psychologist

    Luis: why does any cult or religion exist? Because there are people out there who want an answer to life the universe and everything, and people who are happy to give them one for a price.

  5. I wish I had these at my disposal on the weekend. We would have been in for some serious comedy.
    I have one for you (not sure how correct this is – made it up while reading up on Xenu): Tell them there is 3-D movie marathon which will last for several days at your local cinema. Ask them if they want to attend.

  6. Those Scientologists are weird. I instead belong to the one and only true church of Appliantology. L. Ron Hoover tells us that sexual gratification can only be found through the use of machines.

    The White Zone is for loading and unloading only.

  7. I don’t even understand these references and they make me even more affraid of Scientoligists.

  8. Chitty: nice. I wonder what the scientology feeling on popcorn is.
    Rev: I’m a huge fan of Fictionology myself. Praise be to Charlie Brown.
    Mitch: Wikipedia is a good place to start.

  9. ok can me and the other luddites (no offense intended to the appliantologists)
    get some ansas please?
    yes – i would like to know the meaning of the universe of scientology please
    what is xenu
    what does the long lasting 3d movie thing have to do with anything?
    and the stamping and swearing on toes thing?
    what does ‘engram’ mean?
    or any other explanations?
    i have a female relative who has been seeing a guy who unfortunately is a scientologist – she likes him he is a nice guy – but there is not enough room in her life for both him and for scientology – understandably.
    she has stopped seeing him cos of his beliefs – but is still seeing him as a friend – but is exasperated every time he tries to talk about his beliefs.
    so we have been trying to think up ways to ‘de-convert’ him.

    telling he is a sucker for bull**** hasn’t worked – he just gets defensive and cagey!

  10. i was serious when I advised Mitch to check out Wikipedia. Their coverage of scientology is very thorough. Rolling Stone also did an excellent article here.

    Your friend might suggest that her ex reads Bare-Faced Messiah by Russell Miller (available online here) if he wants to know some truths about L. Ron Hubbard. Finding out the real story of his prophet might change his mind about the message. What scientologists are told about L. Ron’s life is a complete fiction.

  11. #11, Ask the nearest flake : “If I keep looking down am I likely to come upon the resident gnome Tom ‘True Git’ Cruise?”

  12. Excellent. Check out the connection between Lafayette Hubbard and Jack Parsons. (We adore the decorations by the way.)

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