Tom Cruise is the Christ of Scientology?

Newspapers around the world today are reporting that scientology’s head honcho (in the temporary absence of L. Ron Hubbard, of course) David Miscavige considers Tom Cruise to be the Christ of Scientology.

A source close to the actor is quoted as saying:

Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Just like Christ, he has been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right, just like Jesus.

The Cruise’s duties as the Chosen One will include spreading the word of Scientology to the world, acting as a prophet for the new religion, and being revered by Scientologists post mortem. Or at least, post mundi, since he will be reincarnated somewhere else in the universe when he dies – which is why Scientologists in the employ of the organisation are required to sign One Billion Year contracts. I’m not joking.

I’m willing to bet that John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Juliette Lewis, Isaac Hayes and Jenna Elfman are already on the phone to Miscavige asking why they don’t get to be the Messiah. I guess they’ll just have to settle for being Apostles… they may only get one chapter in the coming Testaments of the Life of Cruise, but at least compulsary martyrdom can’t be snuck into their contracts. I’m wondering, though, how they’re going to get around the sticky problem of the irrefutable record that Tom Cruise does, in fact, exist as a real person. For him to be anything like Christ, they’d have to get rid of those.


9 Responses to “Tom Cruise is the Christ of Scientology?”

  1. So does that make Katie Holmes a whore? Or his mother? Which would make more sense, because I still don’t believe Tom Cruise actually had sex with anyone.

  2. Con-Tester Says:

    Doesn’t Miscavige presume too much, and thereby imply his superiority over Cruise, at least insofar as Hubbard’s “doxology” is concerned? After all, recognition of The One True Thetan Engramless Redeemer (TOTTER) is supposed to emerge gradually from the collective unconscious (scientologically clear, of course), not from the insistences of an individual. The latter would be indistinguishable from idolatory, would it not? Maybe the volcano still mumbles to Miscavige.

  3. I just can’t wait for Cruisemass

  4. Jesus used to make furniture, Tom knows his way around a closet…

  5. Yeah, I can vividly remember Jesus jumping up and down on his mother’s couches when he was a child, and he continued to do so even as a grown man. Thank God Joseph was a carpenter.
    Ok… so when do we get to crucify him ( or it that cruise-ify)?

  6. you are all horribly punny people. Except Con-Tester. He may have a point.

  7. *brain explodes, leaving bits of grey mush and head chips all over the desk and floor*

  8. This story, from a “report” by one of England’s worst tabloids “The Sun”, is a serious crock of sh!t.

    It is also harmful, libelous and foments incorrect notions about my religion Scientology so as to cause strife and intolerance.

    In actual fact, nobody within the Church of Scientology considers themselves to be “Christ-like” – this would be a very inappropriate and arrogant comment and I’m sure you can see how this is being used only to antagonize Christians everywhere.

    We Scientologists appreciate Tom Cruise’s efforts as a spokesperson of many of our Church’s initiatives. But he’s just an actor, holds no rank within our Church, and is by NO MEANS a “prophet” – and I am certain he himself would be embarrassed at the thought.

    The “Sun” is lying. You can see the Church’s official statement here:

    Please get in touch with the Church’s Media Relations department, at

    Thank you.

    Greg Churilov,
    Scientology Parishioners League

    PS: By the way, you might remember that, before he dared speak out against Big Pharma, Tom Cruise was a generally well-liked actor. If you think about it, standing on a couch is not *that* big a deal. The fact is that the drug companies have engaged in a whisper campaign of character assassination on this actor. And with good reason: since Cruise spoke out, sales of Ritalin are down 21% in USA, sales of Paxil are now banned in the UK by the UK FDA, and the U.S. FDA requires blackbox labels on all antidepressants. And Big Pharma is mad, their pockets have taken the hit.

  9. […] of a comment from the clutches of Akismet, which had fittingly marked it as spam. In response to this post reporting that Tom Cruise was being lauded as the Christ of Scientology:  This story, from a […]

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