Midweek Cuckoo: How to spot a cuckoo

I thought that it might be time to put together a list for all you eager ornithologists. How to spot your common or garden variety loon:

1. They use terms like ‘Big Pharma’, ‘the Man’ and ‘the Establishment’ in all seriousness
2. They announce earth shattering scientific discoveries on their blog or website first
3. They claim that common, everyday items like wire coat-hangers bent into a Y-shape, tinfoil and PhotoShop have powers not described on the packaging
4. The ‘university’ where they got their degree is: a) a house in the suburbs, b) charges less than $1,000 for a doctorate, or c) requires only a 2,000 word essay and a note from your mom to get your doctorate
5. They claim their powers/inventions don’t work in the presence of skeptics, scientists, doctors or recording devices
6. Their spirit guide was related to Shirley McClaine in a past life
7. They invoke Quantum Mechanics to explain macroscopic phenomena
8. Their address of their clinic is a post office box
9. They think anything that is 2,000 or more years old is automatically more advanced than anything discovered in the last decade
10. They gained their knowledge of physics from watching Road Runner cartoons
11. They claim to have worked for MK Ultra, Majestic 12, the CIA, the FBI, the KGB, the Illuminati, or all of these at once
12. They claim that Gulf War Syndrome, Autism, Lupis, ADHD, Multiple Sclerosis, Tinnitus and Shaken Baby Syndrome are all caused by the same thing (and in the case of the last, it’s not shaking babies)
13. Any evidence presented that is contrary to their claims is automatically part of a smear campaign, cover-up, or the work of any of the entities in Point 1
14. They are willing to sell you their product or services for a few dollars (but only if you call right now), instead of cashing in on the riches offered by institutions like the JREF and the Nobel Prize Committee.
15. In their web design and emails they: a) type in all capitals, b) make liberal use of the selection of font styles, sizes and colors on offer, c) italicize, underline or otherwise emphasise every fourth word, d) make use of randomly roaming apostrophes or single quotations marks, or e) all of the above
16. They believe people are after them, their phone is tapped, and their every move is traced by the government (although if they live in the contintental US this may be true)
17. They are the sole spokesperson for an entire alien race
18. Their books are self-published
19. The know who killed Lincoln/Lennon/JFK and the answer isn’t Booth/Chapman/Oswald
20. They have the only known cure for cancer, HIV, autism or death but can only administer it in Mexico
21. Their laboratory is in their basement or backyard
22. They live in a compound with their extended family, various followers, a range of assault weapons, and are seen at the local mall purchasing large amounts of kool-aid or nike sneakers
23. They think that the eighties television series “V” was a documentary

Okay, that’s all I can think of for now. Give me more suggestions – this may evolve into another page on the blog.

Update: This post has been turned into a page of its own. See Cuckoo 101 on the tabs above.

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