Midweek Cuckoo: Jerry Falwell
Jerry Falwell’s name has recently been splashed around in the media by virtue of him being newly dead. I’m of the belief that shedding one’s mortal coil does not automatically provide a free pass on the criticism front, so I thought he’d make a good return to the Midweek Cuckoo.
Over the last five decades, Jerry Falwell has pulled himself up by his own bootstraps, from small town pastor to bigwig political activitist whose religious lobby group Moral Majority has been a stepping stone to a number of republican candidates, from Reagan to Bush. Some would even go so far as to say that his upstirring of the religious right was key in winning George W. Bush a second term.
Falwell has had a litigious journey. He tried to sued Penthouse magazine for publishing an interview he gave to a freelance journalist. He sued Hustler for parodying him in an advert for Campari, and lost on the invasion of privacy and libel charges, but won on the emotional distress charge. The case was featured in the movie The People vs. Larry Flynt (personally i wonder how Falwell knew of his appearance in all these skin mags… i’m sure he just reads them for the articles). Then gay activist Jerry Sloan successfully sued him for not paying up after promising $5,000 if he could produce a tape proving that Falwell slandered homosexuals. Naturally, the tape was produced, and Falwell had to cough up the cash. Later, Falwell unsuccessfully tried to sue someone for using the domain Fallwell.com to criticize his ideas. He had already successfully won the right to the domains jerryfalwell.com and jerryfallwell.com from their owners at the time, citing trademark infringement.
So what makes Falwell a target for mockery? This is a man who, through his long career, has made a habit of holding every bigoted, prejudiced and narrow-minded viewpoint imaginable, yet has the audacity to appoint himself the head of the ‘moral majority’. It’s hard to explain the full extent of this man’s twisted view of the world, so i’ll leave it up to him to describe in his own words.
There are almost as many alcoholics as there are negroes. (just how many would that be, then?)
Somewhere in the past generation, we’ve lost our biblical mind and not arranged something better in its place. We need a spiritual brainwashing (at least he calls a spade a spade)
I listen to feminists and all these radical gals – most of them are failures. They’ve blown it. Some of them have been married, but they married some Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom. These women just need a man in the house. That’s all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. (and i’m sure all the lesbians need is a good deep dicking)
I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One’s misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, etc., are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status. (god makes it easy for us to tell who the minorities should be, by making them not white males)
If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being. (enough said)
I think Mohammed was a terrorist. (i think jesus was a hippy)
The argument that making contraceptives available to young people would prevent teen pregnancies is ridiculous. That’s like offering a cookbook as a cure to people who are trying to lose weight. (um, no, that would be analogous to giving young girls the kama sutra to prevent teenage pregnencies)
AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals. (well i guess that explains why heterosexuals and recipients of blood transfusions get it, those disgusting gay enablers)
Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America. (well at least we can agree on that)
Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions. (christians = slaves, got it)
It is God’s planet – and he’s taking care of it. And I don’t believe that anything we do will raise or lower the temperature one point. (right, and that totally explains the hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes, life-quelching meteor strikes…)
Textbooks are Soviet propaganda. (what, all of them? Even the ones about capitalist market economics?)
There’s been a concerted effort to steal Christmas. (but once you had it, where would you put it?)
The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews (only because Christians are to civil liberties what Hitler was to Jews)
I truly cannot imagine men with men, women with women, doing what they were not physically created to do, without abnormal stress and misbehavior. (i can’t imagine men with men… without abnormal stress and misbehavior. I think Jerry’s subconscious was talking here. Behind every ardent homophobe…)
[regarding 9/11] I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen’. (right, because fundamentalists muslims don’t see America primarily as a capitalist, Christian country, it’s the gays that are really pissing them off)
I think hell’s a real place where real people spend a real eternity. (what a pity that’s not true, or you’d be roasting there now)
I’ll end off with a quote from political journalist Christopher Hitchens, who sums it up nicely.
He proves only one thing, that you can get away with the most extraordinary offences to morality and to truth in this country if you’ll get yourself called reverend
Edit: and I see the good Rev. BigDumbChimp had the same take on it. Go there to see a few more choice Falwell quotes.