Dutch Reform Church to Check if Satan Exists

The Dutch Reform Church, or Nederduits Gereformeerde Kerk (fondly referred to as the NG Kerk) is a stalwart on the South African, Afrikaans, conservative scene – and as such the source of ongoing amusement. It appears that in their General Synod on Tuesday, a position was brought forward that the actual possession of a human body by evil spirits was nonsense, and the church should distance itself from such spectacular forms of deliverence such as lengthy discussions with devils, exorcism and possession. You know, all the fun stuff.

Naturally some members decided that at the bottom of the slippery slope was the question of the very existence of the devil himself. So the decision was postponed, and the church has appointed a task team to double-check. I can just see it now…

Evil, the final frontier. These are the adventures of the Task Team NGKerk. Its five year mission: to explore strange new sins. To seek out new strife and new desecrations. To boldly go where no priest has gone before.

Can you imagine it? I think Jerry Bruckheimer would direct, with Bruce Willis as the straight-talking, no-nonsense head of the task team, ready to go further, dig deeper, sin more than any priest before in an effort to find the red man behind it all. Armed only with his stoic wit, rugged good looks, and the Bible, the good father will lead his crack team of expert theologians into a world of smite from which they may never return. Angelina Jolie will star as the innocent woman whose apparent possession by a sex-crazed demon spurs our hero onward to discover if Satan really exists, or if his girl is just a big fat whore. Christopher Walken will cameo as Lou Cypher, a dealer in information who might just know the answer to the priest’s question, but who will lead his team on a wild goose chase to hell and back first…

Man, if only real life were like the movies. Then these people might actually be able to justify their existence.

(Tip of the horns to residentRsole and dystopia for alerting me to this within minutes of each other)

16 Responses to “Dutch Reform Church to Check if Satan Exists”

  1. residentRsole Says:

    (Tip of the horns to residentRsole and dystopia for alerting me to this within minutes of each other)

    ResidentRSole wags his forked tail and begs for another damned soul to chew on. 🙂

  2. good lord *ahem* sorry. i don’t suppose there’s any point in asking you to write the script and send it to hollywood? that would be an awesome movie.

  3. hi moonflake – can I email you privately about something important on your website re security issues thanks. can you access my email from here? i don’t know how else to contact you thanks.

  4. apart from that – have just been reading about the effects of archetypes.
    one can certainly say that mr D fits in there –
    re everything else –
    was interested to find that dan cruikshaw in his adventures in iraq pre invasion discovered an ancient shrine to the temple of satan –
    and lo and behold it involved
    chicken worship
    hey! great stuff.
    re the horns and hairy legs – that comes from pan and dionysis and the greek legends for ‘nature’ – so who knows where this investigation will lead?

  5. residentRsole Says:

    My woo-woo meter lead me to this story: Seeking spirits in a psychic town

  6. The NG Kerk was my last stop on my search for godlessness. While I respect the NG Kerk more than most, since they tend to keep away from the more crazy woo, this last rounds of talks managed to piss me off some.

    Firstly, the gay thing. The NG Kerk is an old bastion of Afrikanerskap, and we are all deeply rooted in the belief that no Boertjie has ever done the nasty with another. Uh huh. But now the NG Kerk has made it a top discussion point, since eternal damnation of the fudge-packers depends on a bunch of all coots saying it is all right after all. I would have had more respect for the church if they said all moffies would burn, since at least that is honest to what most of them belief at their core. Or go the other way and say gays are Gods new chosen people and, maybe, the Bible preaches love so why not implement it once in a while. But no, typical wishy washy NG Kerk style, the final word is that gays are sortoff Ok. As a stated point in the official documentation gays are promiscous harlots, but then the next official statement is that gays should not be allowed to marry. Eh? Wouldn’t marrriage and commitment solve the hedonist lifestyle problem? But then again, they all have theology degrees so a minimum level of wooly thinking should be expected.

    Secondly this devil thing. Again, why even go there if all of them already feel they know the answer. Not a one among them doubts that Satan is after them personally. Yet they have this discussion. For PR? Or to do something with that aforementioned theology degree that makes it all worth it?

    Bleh. Let’s not go to the NG Kerk, for it is a silly place.

  7. The plot twist at the end could be Willis realizing that God doesn’t exist either.

  8. Con-Tester Says:

    Wyrd wrote:

    Secondly this devil thing. Again, why even go there if all of them already feel they know the answer. Not a one among them doubts that Satan is after them personally. Yet they have this discussion. For PR? Or to do something with that aforementioned theology degree that makes it all worth it?

    It’s so that they can stand up afterwards and use terms like “inter-subjective consensus”, “empirical approach”, “evidence”, “objective enquiry”, “balance of probabilities”, and so on – that is, they can kid themselves and their followers that this project of theirs was scientific despite the conclusion being a foregone thing.

  9. Something completely unrelated regarding the silly man recently claiming to be a male prostitute and the furore he caused on his blog – well that just made me think about the same silly man who continues to court media attention with the GLA and a certain CrimeExpo website.
    And lo and behold Juan Uys (aka Neill Watson aka David Baxter) is indeed suspected of being the author.

  10. residentRsole Says:

    Make the Big Buddha unhappy and you will pay

    Some Feng Shui “expert” insists that this may be the cause. This is good news as this means that the cable car company won’t have to waste money on hiring engineers to check for metal fatigue and other structural defects. What a marvelous way to advertise one’s services by capilalising on disaster ! Thank God 😀 that the cable car was empty. Or thank Buddha. Hey, I thought Buddha was supposed to be the epitome of kindness, love and understanding ?

  11. Feng Shui experts should be treated like persian emmisaries. Someone needs to shout “Feng Shui? This! Is! SPARTAN!”…

    and then boot them down a really deep well.

  12. residentRsole Says:

    and then boot them down a really deep well.

    Of course, you must ensure that the deep well is probably balanced with the universal natural forces that guide us through life. More simply put, align the well perpindicularly with gravity (a universal natural force) to guide the Feng Shui experts to the end of their lives, i.e the bottom of the well and a rapid death.

  13. Con-Tester Says:

    The well would need to have an octagonal cross-section aligned to the principal compass points, though — to mimic the bagua. Not only will the particular trigram she lands in make clear the meaning of her life, it will also ensure that the fledgling Feng Shui flyer will be thoroughly bagua’ed up on impact…

  14. residentRsole Says:

    * Heaven : Where our Feng Shui flyer is hoping to go when she dies
    * Wind : The thingy running past her ears
    * Water : The flavoured fluid that is rapidly escaping from between her legs
    * Earth : The thingy rushing up to meet her ASAP
    * Thunder : The sound that she is going to make when she meets the Earth

  15. Aquoibon Says:

    It reminds me of an hilarious spanish movie : “The day of the beast” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112922/
    Where a priest commits evil acts in order to meet satan and prevent the birth of the antechrist. A must see…

  16. residentRsole Says:

    I just watched “Root of all Evil ?” parts 1 and 2. Yusuf Kattab/Joseph Cohen blew me away.
    And those Hell Houses !!!!!!! See – I’m using multiple exclamation marks.

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