Hollywood reveals the missing years of Jesus Christ

Coming soon to a theatre near you! Aquarian Gospel: the life and times of Jesus Christ, age 13 to 30! No longer will you need to wonder exactly how the boy Jesus grew in “wisdom and stature” during those years not covered by the Holy Bible. Now, thanks to the wonders of computer graphics and revisionist literature, you can journey alongside the young messiah as he discovers India, and himself.

This blockbuster fantasy action adventure will be filmed in the style of action epic 300, a seamless blend of CG animation and live acting. The film is written and produced by William Keenan (hot off the latest Lindsay Lohan romp Poor Things, but best known for his acting and stuntwork in Operation Midnight Climax) and directed by Drew Heriot (whose self help movie The Secret is the hottest thing to hit DVD shelves since What the Bleep Do We Know). The story will follow young Jesus Christ (Jim Caviezel) as he journeys through the Middle East and India, learning the wisdom of ancient religions and defending the downtrodden. Along the way, he will be guided by his companions, The Three Wise Men: serious Casper (Kiefer Sutherland), charming Balthasar (Charles Sheen) and the ever witty Melchior (Oliver Platt). But when he has to come to the rescue of a beautiful young Indian princess (Aishwarya Rai), the young Yeshua is presented with the hardest test of faith yet…

Join us for a witty, thought-provoking, action-packed family film with heart-stopping stunts, exciting dance sequences and all new original songs you can really clap your hands to!

It’s as if Bollywood ate the Battle of Thermopylae and shat it out with a side order of Charleton Heston. – Roger Ebert

A fanciful travesty of the life of our Lord. Anyone who enjoys this movie is going straight to hell. – Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Cantebury

A knee-slapping, foot-tapping kaleidoscope of religious fun! Best film of the summer! –Variety

15 Responses to “Hollywood reveals the missing years of Jesus Christ”

  1. If that quote from Rowan Williams is correct, I’ll definitely go and watch it.

    There’s another lovely quote in the original article from John Dayal of the All India Catholic Union.

    “I have personally investigated many of these claims and they remain what they first seem: fiction, I am sure it will make money but I do not think it will displace thousands of years of biblical thought.”

    Wonder if he has tried to investigate his own claims?

  2. Roger Ebert’s review was later edited down to “holy shit!”

  3. Er, what? Who thought that would be a good idea?

  4. residentRSole Says:

    Jim Caviezel ? I doubt it. He is a devout Catholic. He wouldn’t feel up Ashley Judd even though he was paid to. “Dat wouldn’t be cool wit’ JC, yo !”

    Anyway, I’ll just skip this one. But if I could buy shares in the film I would. This one is going to make megabucks.

  5. I’m betting he took buttloads of acid in those years. Why else were they “missing”? And suddenly he returns speaking mystical mumbo-jumbo? I’m seeing hallucinogens.

  6. Of course Jim Caviezel! He’s reprising his role from Passion of the Christ. Who better to play Jesus Christ than a man with the initials JC?

  7. residentRsole Says:

    moonflake: Jackie Chan ? Jim Carrey ? 😀

  8. James Ocansey Says:

    I have just published a book on the missing years of Jesus Christ called Jesus Christ: The Missing & the Mysteries. There was a legend that Jesus traveled in India, Kashmir and Tibbett where He both taught and studied. A Russian doctor in 1887 used these Tibbettan manuscripts on which was based “The lost years of Jesus: The life of Saint Issa.” I have looked at the documents and they were all travelers’ tales from “merchants from Israel related to us on the subject”, according to them. The truth of the missing years of Jesus Christ is revealed in my book, Jesus Christ; The Missing Years & the Mysteries. Check it out from http://www.iuniverse.com or Barnes & Nobles. The evidence links Him to ancient Egypt.

  9. residentRSole Says:

    James Ocansey I noticed that you spelled the pronouns “”Him” and “He” with a capital “H”. So I guess that you believe that JC was a supernatural being. Unfortunately, most of the regular readers here have long dismissed the supernatural and the paranormal. Do you mean “Tibet” rather than Tibbett ? I see that your book was self-published. I would have thought that it would have been easy to find a publisher for this kind of material these days due to the popularity of the Da Vinci Code and similar works.

    I’m sure that there was a Jesus but that he was just a human with above-average intelligence and progressive ideas. Anyway, it’s a moot point for me since I am a cynical person and care little for ideals.

  10. residentRsole: John Cleese?

  11. John Candy?. He’d be a shoe-in if he could do the whole resurrection thing.

  12. now that would be method acting for you.

  13. jus take ur ass from these kind of stupid researches..he is our christ who shed his blood for us..v ve to be faithful and do somethin for him

  14. why on earth does the world thinks Jesus Christ need to come to India to
    learn all the wisdom and knowledge the he have; he is GOD, he already have them. Beside, India is a land of gods, but not the land of “Truth”.
    Hollywood will do anything to to earn money; i guess they will make a movie even on Jesus used to sssssssssleep’, how he eat his food etc…etc
    All the allegation are baseless, and a recent phenomenoen; Bible is the most authenthic facts. To accept the theory of missing years of christ in India is to deny Bible, its as simple as that.

  15. Hi there…

    Gotta love yahoo, very neat website. Thanks alot….

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