Hollywood reveals the missing years of Jesus Christ
Coming soon to a theatre near you! Aquarian Gospel: the life and times of Jesus Christ, age 13 to 30! No longer will you need to wonder exactly how the boy Jesus grew in “wisdom and stature” during those years not covered by the Holy Bible. Now, thanks to the wonders of computer graphics and revisionist literature, you can journey alongside the young messiah as he discovers India, and himself.
This blockbuster fantasy action adventure will be filmed in the style of action epic 300, a seamless blend of CG animation and live acting. The film is written and produced by William Keenan (hot off the latest Lindsay Lohan romp Poor Things, but best known for his acting and stuntwork in Operation Midnight Climax) and directed by Drew Heriot (whose self help movie The Secret is the hottest thing to hit DVD shelves since What the Bleep Do We Know). The story will follow young Jesus Christ (Jim Caviezel) as he journeys through the Middle East and India, learning the wisdom of ancient religions and defending the downtrodden. Along the way, he will be guided by his companions, The Three Wise Men: serious Casper (Kiefer Sutherland), charming Balthasar (Charles Sheen) and the ever witty Melchior (Oliver Platt). But when he has to come to the rescue of a beautiful young Indian princess (Aishwarya Rai), the young Yeshua is presented with the hardest test of faith yet…
Join us for a witty, thought-provoking, action-packed family film with heart-stopping stunts, exciting dance sequences and all new original songs you can really clap your hands to!
It’s as if Bollywood ate the Battle of Thermopylae and shat it out with a side order of Charleton Heston. – Roger Ebert
A fanciful travesty of the life of our Lord. Anyone who enjoys this movie is going straight to hell. – Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Cantebury
A knee-slapping, foot-tapping kaleidoscope of religious fun! Best film of the summer! –Variety